I’m Swimming In Grey

Words: Faith Thurnwald
Photos: Valentino Koch
Model: Faith Thurnwald

ALL THAT I AM

No one likes the angry feminist, the switched on woman. I’ll switch you on then turn you off, ‘cause; no one likes the angry feminist: a turn off.

My mouth open but not to scream, dry with the constant contradiction,

constantly contradicting me, Good woman – bad woman. Paradoxically paralyzed caught in the carnivorous eyes of men: condemned.

Condemned and caught

‘Cause no one likes the angry feminist,

You’d prefer me pretty and placid.

‘Cause you say you like your women smart, but not intelligent and you want my mouth open; vocal but not loud and you want me sexual but not scandalously so.

Well I’m a walking scandal, the scarlet letter of fucked.

‘Cause my anger says fuck off, but my face says fuck me.

You want life black or white while I’m swimming in grey.

You try to dissect my dichotomy.

Even tried lobotomy – how hysterical!

You categorize and compile; the cool girl, or the psycho bitch?

Your vocabulary can’t vocalise – all that I am.

PINNED & PRICKED

In night you leave me.

By daybreak you’ve gone,

Yet I feel freely

And will not mourn.

For day brings another.

A warm touch on skin-

You were always the other

Cold and sharp as a pin

Another I’ve had

A few come and go

My heart; armour clad

Yet melting like snow.

Not the warmth of day

Nor time, all forgiving

Will help me lay,

Down feelings of misgiving.

When daylight breaks

My first thought is you,

Morning light still aches

These thoughts I wish to subdue.

But you, sharp as a prick

Thoughts flow like blood

And when dry, they do stick,

How do I control this flood?

A routine to distract me,

A coffee or two.

Thoughts float off and flee,

I’m glad they withdrew.

At lunchtime I’m busy

By dinner less so,

Nighttime I am dizzy

And feel so very low.

I wrap myself tightly,

Hold onto my disgust

For thinking of you nightly,

It’s myself I mistrust.

The way I have sinned

In satin sheets so slick

But you do have me pinned

For you really are a prick.

For More: I Want To Learn To Lose